Trying too much...or maybe too little..

4:15 pm



Why do I let myself be covered in shit all the time?

There are times right now, when I'm all alone..that I remember those times where I made mistakes, made a fool of myself, somehow managed to create enemies unintentionally and all that chuva. I just can't help it. You might say it's innately me..to be like that. I'm a trademark pessimist who just can't seem to stop being just that. Somehow, I just can't look at the other side of the orange, without looking back at the other other side. They say I'm happy...but I say I am more of a person who likes to keep things silent. My mistakes keep me down, and in the end...I let them keep me down.

I think (though just a theory)..that my parents raised me to be good, kind...studious...to be SAFE...they never raised me to fall...to accept defeat...to...be imperfect and to accept that. They raised me to pay attention to detail...to be silently inquisitive....they raised me to be ignorant to what the world has to offer. But I'm trying to deal with it. Yes, I know...my childhood is freaky. (I really really love them though)

I think of this the same way I think of annorexia, it's like your stick thin but you still think your fat. Yeah, you might even say that "you're not the only person in this effin' world with problems you know"...Yeah, I agree. But still isn't enough for me...

to think that I'm normal...
to think that I'm good....
to think that I'm perfectly fine all this time....
to think that I'm perfect in my own imperfect way....

I try to be perfect...but they say...you can't....

I feel that I can't stop being that way.....

I'm going crazy......!

...maybe I'm just trying too much....or maybe.....too little?


*hayyy...Good Friday pa naman* :(

Laugh-able

"Warning: do not eat at Jollibee. I was told that they are serving double dead chicken and the recycle left overs. Please Pass..."

concerned citizen: Ronald McDonald


- a text message I got just now. Thanks jo, I needed a laugh!

Dreary Diary

4:00 pm

Gawd. I regret going home from school during lunch. My life here, trapped in this enflated jar they call my room seems too worthless and so booorrrinnngggg. Eunice, I'm sorry for your loss. Sorry, I just had to say that. Ahh...PuffyAmiYumi looks fun today. That is the effect of being an empty shell for half a day. I just want to go on that effin' vacation I've been dreaming of.

I feel that I'm trapped in a third world country. No, I am in a third world country. No, better yet, I'm in a third world city. A city that has yet to taste the chuva of suburbia and the metropolitan Manila....or any place that has SM.

It really is quite sad, that the idea of a vacation from my neck of the woods consists of going to those lavish and "hip" malls. Shoppin' till your credit cards are maxed out. Heck, even just tasting the delicious food that the SM food courts have to offer.

On the other hand, the people living in those areas think that the perfect vacation is going to some calm serene and peaceful place like Bora, getting drunk, gratifying the booze, partying till you die, and probably lose their virginity...scratch that.

Hmmm....I'm bored, and I hate it.

I have been praying for this day to come...and I regret some parts of my prayer. Freedom is good, don't take me wrong...but too much of it is deadly. (Think: EDSA and Democracy)

Anyway, it's been the second day that I went to school only to find out that report cards will be given the next day.......and the next....and the next....and the next..............sorry ha, balik nalang kayo bukas.....bukas.....bukas........

*somebody hug me*....and give me a plane ticket outta here! please..I need to shop....and you know...waste money on my cravings for books...and DVDs

The Bohemia in reality

7:20 pm


bohemia [bō hmi ə](plural bohemias)
noun
1.
unconventional community: a community of artists and other people who live unconventional lives
2.
unconventional lifestyle: the unconventional lifestyle characteristic of bohemians
Microsoft® Encarta® Premium Suite 2005. © 1993-2004 Microsoft Corporation. All rights reserved.

While at Greenwich, my mom handed me the Sunday Inquirer, and as soon as I got hold of the front page(s), I make it a habit to always check out the Opinion section and read what Patricia Evangelista has to say. Her column today struck me queer. I really do ask, which lifestyle best suites our society right now? Is it, the Bohemian? or the society that entails being slaves to the Man?

Ahh...What a really strange question that is. In a bohemian society, the rules are, there are no rules. You live to live. You live to rebel. You live to express. You live to love. You live to be free.

In the society rules by the realists (or the law abiding bitches and the ultimate dog of them all, the law itself), means, you live everyday, to be a law abiding citizen. You work for the Man. You worship the system. The system that sometimes can be a bitch. The same system which dictates what to do and what not to do. Whether it be not to steal...or the system that requires you to leave your baggages at the baggage counter (so inconvenient sometimes). Yes, order and chaos at it's best. Yin and Yang. To be or not to be. The ultimate question.

Would we actually be ready to risk experiencing unconventionality to experience bliss? Or would we find solace in order and tried and tested methods?

They say bohemia is dead. Gone are the days of the hippies and the Mayflower. The tried and tested method of conventionality is based on the system. At the end of the day, the Man prevails. No matter how much we try to bring back bohemia within the society, the society rejects it, like the ultimate pill. But, amidst this "systematically rooted" world, you can't be faulted if the Bohemia in you lives on. Who ever said that the bohemian method of living can't be applied to you in particular? Sure, society is done with it. But, it's not necessarily true that you're done with the bohemian way. :)

I'm almost nearing the age where we have to choose, for our future's sake, the path of slavery to the system, or the path where no one is a slave to anything. I will soon be faced with the challenge: to work or not to work with the system? They say that we rebel at this age. They also say that at my age, we are molded to be the country's only hope. They also say the the years of adolescence brings stupidity and yes, hope for the better. I'm not in the position to choose a path yet. But one thing is certain...Yes, I may be stupid, but maybe I'm stupid enough to think for myself, to have that free will to unleash the bohemian and the slave inside of me. Who ever said I can't be a bohemian and a slave at the same time? And when that time will come...where my generation will make those choices. Let's see if the Man won't blink.

The wonders of late night t.v.

My usual rounds of channel surfing were met with peculiar boredom these past few days. I just don't get it, I mean, April's just beginning and usually, boredom infects me come May. Then of course, there are just some shows on t.v. right now that makes me come back for more. Like, American Idol, and Project Runway (haha). Right now, I'm currently waiting for the next episodes of Joan of Arcadia, Mad TV, Saturday Night Live, and Myx daily...haayy....

But, one show struck me quite queer last night. After American Idol, there was a new show premiering, called Grey's Anatomy (a medical drama). Well, since I have nothing else to do, I decided to watch it and in the end, I liked it!!!

You see, right now, the idea of what to take during college is as clear as a lake infested with fish, dirt and muck. You get the idea. Well, after watching the show, the idea of taking up medicine was opened up. I think it would be "fun" and quite interesting to take up medicine. I still don't know but after watching, a window of possibilities opened up for me...Ah, the wonders of t.v.

But I am open to suggestions and comments...do give me some advice. :)

By the way, if you liked desperate housewives, or if you are a struggling med student...do watch!