boo-llelujah

what's weird about today is the fact that I had time on my hands but I didn't spend them a home, curled up in bed , sleeping. Instead, I spent the afternoon with my classmates, producing/planning for the wedding we're going to have on Sunday. Yes, RS WILL REQUIRE US TO HAVE A MOCK WEDDING. It just goes to show how evolved RS is, how teachers take marriage to a whole new level by letting their students feel just how sanctifying the act is. Sometimes I feel that the message is so watered-down because the actual ceremony hasn't been practiced yet, and we're busying ourselves with the video montage which is, apparently, a trademark of classy weddings these days. Bah, and I'm supposed to be the freaking priest. My ego is officially down the drain......

my in-depth and knee deep loathing

One of the major things I had to go through this sem was our case defense. To the uninitiated, it simply means a duty group must present the case of a patient handled during one of the rotations either in the hospital or in the community to a panel of clinical instructors. By presenting a case, that simply means we have to go through the process of presenting everything about the patient and his/her case - from the organs involved to whether or not he/she likes seafoods. Nurses just love being all systematized and thorough. All these things I get but I could never really appreciate.

bitching temporarily aside, I am just so freakin happy the defense was done. It was a group effort though I felt some exerted more effort than others. My self-evaluation? I would say I really didn't wrap my finger around the case, which made me feel guilty about it, but ultimately, I hated the cramming I had to do just to understand his/her story. The fear and tension was so palpable in the room that you could just taste its bitter aftertaste. But I was so relieved that the panel didn't really ask too much questions and instead, went straight away to the revisions that need to be done. Hallelujah!

But that really isn't the end of the story since I have exams left and right. I hate the fact that I have some minor subjects which feel so self-entitled to proclaim how pseudo-important they are. Alam mo yun, it's that feeling of resentment towards a subject that affirms your stand that its just one requirement that you need to fulfill to pass. Plus, I really don't get my majors, which makes me doubt whether I have a chance at being a good nurse.

But lo and behold, I don't want to be a good nurse. I don't want to be a nurse. Period.
I am so adamant that this will never ever ever never ever ever be my calling. This is a challenge I need to face, but this won't be my profession. I am seriously daydreaming about working in the kitchen at some 5-star restuarant in France, or being a part of a corporate food solutions team which develops recipes for big brands, and being a photographer working for a magazine or something to that effect. I know that I want to earn big bucks someday, but I would like to cling to the idea that I can earn them some other way which doesn't involve being a nurse. If that's my motivation to get though this and succeed then so be it.

"rape me in my thighs" - A Mariah Carey cover

i'm so sorry but i just had to post this!!!!!

Sunday's best

as i'm writing this, i am merely relying on the scant amount of adrenaline (or whatever excitory substance) in my system, which gives me a fleeting moment of desire to blog again. obviously i've neglected my blog for a long time now, and so far my recent posts haven't been substantive. anyway, there's plenty of substance to go around, but let me just enumerate the few things i have running around my head..

1. i'm happy that i haven't cried about my grades so far. despite the fact that i did fail a midterm exam in one of the major subjects. AND i got an 85 for public speaking. haha. would you believe that? me? sucking at public speaking? that would probably be the first argument i would come up with, but the rebuttal to that would be: my teacher didn't really make us to formal extemporaneous speeches and debates during the first half of the sem. on the contrary, the basis for my grade would be 2 quizzes (one of which, is an ugly 66) and the midterm exam, which, i really didn't do well in but at least i passed. right now, i'm happy that all of the drama happened before finals, so that gives me time to make up for it.

2. being EIC, is... *sigh*. sometimes i think i'm a complete idiot and people hate me. but it's a fact that i'm a neophyte through and through.

3. i can't wait for dumaguete. my friends and i are going to have the time of our lives. i'm pretty naive about these things. and it is, afterall, my first real vacation with my friends only. and the stories that my friend tells me about duma gets me all hyped about the trip. i can't wait to literally drown myself in catharsis and forget all the drama, even for a few days. i think all of us agree that somehow, dumaguete is the respite we deserve. haha

4. my family, wait, scratch that..I am having a tough time handling my mom's condition. i forgot, she's actually taking her condition really well. she's a fighter and a trooper. I hope she gets out of this stronger than before. i have to admit that the 'integrity' that i have right now is all thanks to her. she's not the one who dwells in pools of pity. on the contrary, she doesn't even realize how big problems are, or, specifically, how big my problems are. so even if i still am, unstable...slowly, i realize that i am actually doing well at brushing off bad vibes.

my clock says it's 9:20 and as usual, i devote sundays to oodles of procrastination and down time.
I forgot that it became a habit of mine to blog during the remaining hours of Sunday. Oh well, some things never change.

release, thy name is gio

i could write about how sad i am right now. because really, i am pretty sad.

or i could write about how i finally have a foothold over this whole 'school' thing, and that i can rise from the ashes after all. this new found optimism does make me feel better.

but not now. not now. please not now. let me wallow in self-pity and guilt just for tonight. please.