Tuesday, October 06, 2009

my in-depth and knee deep loathing

One of the major things I had to go through this sem was our case defense. To the uninitiated, it simply means a duty group must present the case of a patient handled during one of the rotations either in the hospital or in the community to a panel of clinical instructors. By presenting a case, that simply means we have to go through the process of presenting everything about the patient and his/her case - from the organs involved to whether or not he/she likes seafoods. Nurses just love being all systematized and thorough. All these things I get but I could never really appreciate.

bitching temporarily aside, I am just so freakin happy the defense was done. It was a group effort though I felt some exerted more effort than others. My self-evaluation? I would say I really didn't wrap my finger around the case, which made me feel guilty about it, but ultimately, I hated the cramming I had to do just to understand his/her story. The fear and tension was so palpable in the room that you could just taste its bitter aftertaste. But I was so relieved that the panel didn't really ask too much questions and instead, went straight away to the revisions that need to be done. Hallelujah!

But that really isn't the end of the story since I have exams left and right. I hate the fact that I have some minor subjects which feel so self-entitled to proclaim how pseudo-important they are. Alam mo yun, it's that feeling of resentment towards a subject that affirms your stand that its just one requirement that you need to fulfill to pass. Plus, I really don't get my majors, which makes me doubt whether I have a chance at being a good nurse.

But lo and behold, I don't want to be a good nurse. I don't want to be a nurse. Period.
I am so adamant that this will never ever ever never ever ever be my calling. This is a challenge I need to face, but this won't be my profession. I am seriously daydreaming about working in the kitchen at some 5-star restuarant in France, or being a part of a corporate food solutions team which develops recipes for big brands, and being a photographer working for a magazine or something to that effect. I know that I want to earn big bucks someday, but I would like to cling to the idea that I can earn them some other way which doesn't involve being a nurse. If that's my motivation to get though this and succeed then so be it.


Anonymous said...

you can do it!

things will turn out the way you want them to be.

just keep on believing!


Dee said...

if that's how you feel, then i suggest you do something about it as early as now. trust me, you'll regret reading this blog when you're 27 and you're still a nurse.