Friday, January 01, 2010

a deciding step/leap of faith

Because I have only a few days left to study and do whatever it is that students do, I decided to give my Philosophy handout a try. I never really liked Philo and the handout, entitled "Existentialism and Man's search for Meaning" by Manuel Dy, didn't really help since I barely understood it.

Well, the first part anyway. I mean, like, who cares if pre-Socratic thinkers believed that something was cosmocentric. Notice how I used something. It means things have been lost in translation and I couldn't really remember much. :). Anywaaaaay....

I'm actually writing precisely because of the article I thought I couldn't understand. It turns out I managed to dig at a few nuggets of wisdom from the sea of putrid, jumbled phrases. It turns out existentialism basically involves questioning, searching inward for the things that you value or give your life meaning. I'm not going to lecture anymore than I have already here are my points of emphasis:

Value is that for which a person lives and dies for
Value is subjective....value is always value-for-me
Value is then that around which, all my human activities revolve

So what am I driving at? Well, it's really nothing that concerns the universe, rather it's something inward and it involves myself, and the thing I value (or apparently do not).

this is gonna be kinda long so brace yourself....

It was the summer of 2009 when I got a call from my then-EIC (from our campus publication), that the panel (there was an interview for all those who wished to apply for the editorial board) wanted me to be the next EIC. I was taken aback, but eventually I said to myself that I was stupid for letting this opportunity pass so I said yes.

How I wish I could've said 'no'

I never really thought about the immense responsibility being an EIC had. Yeah, I was extremely naive. I said 'yes' also because I knew it would help boost my chances of getting a Vale or Salu award for graduation. It was actually my goal when I entered college. Yeah, I realized that I had the wrong motive/motivation afterall. I've lost sight of what I want and what I value. In a sense, the work and the pressure I put on myself (mostly that), is taking it's toll and for the past few months or so....I haven't really been happy about my job.

I dread going to the office because i'm afraid of facing my senior editors (senior because I'm currently a junior. lucky me! haha), because at the back of my head, I feel that they'll stop at nothing to make me feel inferior. It's irrational but I can't defeat those fears right now.

And what am I currently doing? i'm avoiding responsibility. I haven't done my articles yet. And I let my other editors take charge of the next two issues because I kinda told them another version of this story which involved me investing too much on the first issue and at the end, having nothing left for the next issue.

And it really doesn't help that there's no rapport within the group. I really have no "solid friend" in the office (though there are people I like) and I really can't relate as much. Blame it on the fact that prior to my appointment, I was a writer who barely visited the office.

I always thought that I might as well give it another shot next school year since i'm still around. But after a few days of asking myself basic questions like "Am I happy?" and "Do I value my job?"

No and No.

So my plan of action is still brewing but I'm almost 100% sure that I'm leaving the publication, after three years of membership.

You might say it's sayang, but looking back, I could never really unearth a happy memory in the office. Being in the office has become a burden that I don't think I can stomach any longer. In a way I feel as if I'm being choked. So I'm going to tough it out for the next few months, until the school year ends (since I still have to do my job), and I think it's going to be full speed ahead from there.

Maybe He gave me this chance to help me know myself better, to make me realize the meaning of responsibility, and probably to give me a chance at fixing whatever it is within myself that I need to fix.

But really, I'm holding on to the idea that there are battles I really can't win.

And you know what's funny? Thinking about leaving makes me smile right now.

Out with the old, in with the new! happy 2010 everybody!

1 comment:

Dee said...

I was gonna say "sayang" too but what right have I to question your decision when I myself have done that? All I can say about my experience, though, is that later I realized that I was wrong about my feelings. I had been in a good place, I just didn't realize it at that time. Did I have regrets? Yes, but I realize now that if I hadn't done it, I wouldn't have known for a fact what I really wanted. I don't know if I'm making any sense, but what I'm trying to say is, if you're not happy about something, go ahead and do or undo it so that you won't have any what if's later on.