Friday, April 14, 2006

Trying too much...or maybe too little..

4:15 pm



Why do I let myself be covered in shit all the time?


There are times right now, when I'm all alone..that I remember those times where I made mistakes, made a fool of myself, somehow managed to create enemies unintentionally and all that chuva. I just can't help it. You might say it's innately me..to be like that. I'm a trademark pessimist who just can't seem to stop being just that. Somehow, I just can't look at the other side of the orange, without looking back at the other other side. They say I'm happy...but I say I am more of a person who likes to keep things silent. My mistakes keep me down, and in the end...I let them keep me down.
I think (though just a theory)..that my parents raised me to be good, kind...studious...to be SAFE...they never raised me to fall...to accept defeat...to...be imperfect and to accept that. They raised me to pay attention to detail...to be silently inquisitive....they raised me to be ignorant to what the world has to offer. But I'm trying to deal with it. Yes, I know...my childhood is freaky. (I really really love them though)
I think of this the same way I think of annorexia, it's like your stick thin but you still think your fat. Yeah, you might even say that "you're not the only person in this effin' world with problems you know"...Yeah, I agree. But still isn't enough for me...
to think that I'm normal...
to think that I'm good....
to think that I'm perfectly fine all this time....
to think that I'm perfect in my own imperfect way....

I try to be perfect...but they say...you can't....

I feel that I can't stop being that way.....

I'm going crazy......!
...maybe I'm just trying too much....or maybe.....too little?


*hayyy...Good Friday pa naman* :(

7 comments:

davao said...

dear beloved cow.. we all go through that.. like neil told me... life never runs out of problems... it'll always be a part of life... worries, striving to be who we are expected to be.. its stressful at times... but then this is what they call life.. we just have to learn to deal with it.. rather than cry about it.. why don't we count our blessings, achievements, people who loves us... im pretty sure it'll put a smile on your face somehow... =)


im just here if you need someone

love you cow

twistedigest said...

I guess I'm smiling right now...love you too davao! hehehe. Thank you so much. :)

dot_S said...

perhaps, everyone is striving for perfection. some more consciously than others. but gio.. hello?! trying TOO little?! if you just look at the things you've achieved and the people you've touched perhaps you'll see that it's impossible for you to be trying "too little".. to the people who love you, you will always be perfect...


here i am. as perfect as i'm ever going to be.

twistedigest said...

keeshia...thanks. You know, you give good advice. :)

gif said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
gif said...

hey! OMG! I'm so glad I stumbled to your blog especially after reading this entry. it's like we're one in the same. like you're a mirror image of me (duh, except your a guy. lol) funny, that i found somebody who seems to share the same thoughts and the same problems in this world of cyberspace. I guess I'll be your constant visitor now since you've gotten my attention. hihi.

I'm glad to know that there's somebody out there who's trying to push perfection to it's limit the way I am. =)

No worries though, I'm sure in time we'll both be completely happy. if there's one thing that my pessimistic self hasn't destroyed... it's my hope. and that I'm surely hanging on to! More power to you! hope you do the same.

twistedigest said...

oh..yeah..i can see..we DO think the same! hahahaha! thanks..that was a relief!!!!!!