what a parent should be like

On Children
Kahlil Gibran

Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them,
but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

You are the bows from which your children
as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,
and He bends you with His might
that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let our bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies,
so He loves also the bow that is stable.

we read this for our Lit midterms. I was pretty amazed at how this succinctly puts everything i've been wanting to say to my parents ever since the thought of college came. interestingly, the last part of the exam instructed us to write a reply to that, in the POV of the child. and another thing which kinda served as another impetus for me to resurrect my idea of shifting was a glimpse (worth a second) of how it was like to manage a photshoot...but that's another story. haha

I want my parents to watch "Dead Poets Society", as well as "Gossip Girl episode 6" (there's a little Rufus and Jenny Humphrey moment there which i really liked), which has some themes similar to Gibran's. So they know exactly how i feel right now. Yes, in case you're asking, i definitely wished i could turn back time and so i could have chosen a different course. every time i mention how i hate my course, my mom's tone of voice would suddently change into a medley of frustration and disappointment. and that's what i hate. it's the kind of tone which makes you feel all the more guilty and angry. well, what can i say, my family doesn't want happiness. they want a green card holder.

torrential speed

i have been critical of my internet speed since time immemorial. this is a far cry from the time i patiently waited for around 30 minutes the Archie comics website to load. i was around 8-9 years old then, and my mom's office computer was running on the then-popular dial-up speed. so when our pc finally graduated from running on dial-up, i was ecstatic. i thought PLDT DSL would finally be the milk and honey my lost nation was craving for.

so how has it been? well, it's not spectacular. but it's not totally inadequate either. but you know the feeling when some pages take too long to load, and limewire just kills your productivitiy ---- frustrating. but (and i'm using a term i recently learned), yawat na yan. i think it means it'll do.

i'm already over and done with envying people who have incredibly fast internet speeds given by way way better internet service providers, but i was left dumbfounded (hey i know little about the other side, ok?haha) when i was, as usual, looking for torrents to download off isohunt and i saw the comments for "Heroes episode 6" which read:

GoldSeven

Posted: Tue Oct 21, 2008 6:46 am Score: +2 Real - thanks, uploader! Getting DL speeds of 30-40 - which is quite good for me. snore

Coso	Posted: Tue Oct 21, 2008 11:41 am Score: +3 It good! Great speed! 70-90 kBs.

reuvengfn

Posted: Tue Oct 21, 2008 1:17 pm Score: +3 it's good. great speed 230-240 KBs, downloaded in 30 Min. THANKS!!!

WTF?! i happy enough as it is if i'm getting download speeds at 11kb/s! MY DL SPEEDS HAVE NEVER REACHED 15KB/S! It takes a day for me to downloaded a single episode, that is if i leave the PC on for the night!!!

i ticks me off that i have to settle with 3rd world download speeds. and i'm only ranting about it now because i never really thought of downloading episodes via torrent. i only got into it after some of my classmates told me about it.

the grass is greener on the other side!

snap

there are a few reasons why i don't want to tell me friends my problems right about now:

1. they can't give me money to change schools. yes, this is yet again, another school related issue. it has something to do with the verb "shift" and the sound "ting".

2. they'll only give me the advice i gave them. yes, i have got to hand it to myself...i can be such a hypocrite. i give good advice, or should i say, advice that sounds well-phrased, practical, and thought of. but when it comes to my problems, whooooooshhhh and splaaattt!

3. they won't understand why i'm all dramatic about this. they would say their problems are worse than mine.

4. possible trite answers. i owe my friends a lot, but sometimes, "kaya mo yan" just doesn't cut it. as much as possible, i try to avoid saying "kaya mo yan" or something similar because that phrase just just just just doesn't work.


so i seriously won't appreciate anything remotely similar to the things i mentioned above. i'm frustrated. the midterms are a few days away and i haven't studied yet. i told myself i would study but instead i'm making an entry about how i don't want to study. i snapped just a few minutes ago. i can't take this crap anymore.

so much to do, so many things to memorize, and a med school teacher from the deepest, rat infested bowels of hell make my semester one big piece of dung.

screw "sayang", "you're doing so well", "this is just a phase", "you'll get through" and "tapusin mo nalang". i may not have the balls to scream that out loud, but give a few days or two and i might just do so. i don't like who i'm becoming.

therapy - not!

being oblivious to my every emotion, problem, feeling is their way of being therapeutic. i was down on the floor and they didn't ask me if i'm ok, they told me to get up. fucking wrong answer.


well fuck them,


i hate them right about now. i hate them. i hate them. i hate them. i hate them. i hate them. they should die.


i'm sorry, this isn't really a post. since i obviously have no one to talk to around here, i'm venting.

pancake and pasta sunday

i woke all nauseated and cranky. my mom just had to wake me up for mass...not that i'm complaining right now, it's just that i really really really don't want my sleep to be disturbed. especially on a sunday,

anyway, i'm not going to whine about that.


so after the 8:30 mass, the family went to have their usual brunch at jollibee. after a really long time and an obscenely gluttonous holiday, i found myself not in the mood to eat anything greasy. it usually follows that i have the urge to puke when i think about corned beef and french fries (they are really oily naman). so i asked my mom to order pancakes and i give her one of the two fritters. i don't eat them slaughed in batter in syrup and grossly enough, infront of me, my mom practically bathes the pancake in butter and syrup. haha



an hour ago, i finished making my third attempt at a pasta dish. the last two had sauces, while this one only had olive oil and seasoning. i was happy at how it turned out!
i used a pack of San Remo fettucine noodles, squid and sliced black olives. for the seasoning, i added 1 pack of McCormick Garlic and Herb sauce, paprika and dried thyme. everything was to taste. and i generously added extra virgin olive oil and i think it really brought the flavor of the squid out. though i wish i could have just used less of the McCormick stuff and more from our spice rack, my mom said it turned out just fine.

the good old days

sniff.
where have i been all this time?
summers with my grandpa going to golden bell.
hours just searching for that favorite comic strip.
my first "Laugh Digest"

i'm beginning to feel really tingly and sentimental right now.
a part of me just came back.

ZEN for 2009

i know i said this over and over and over again that i want a clean slate. i've been invoking the "clean slate" mantra so much over the past year that it should be included in Lake Superior University's list of banned words. so what i'm trying to do right now - something that i've never really understood last year - is to take myself seriously. i've realized that i may have big ambitions as well as attainable goals, but i never rise above everything because i can't focus, since there's so much going on in my head. so i'm going down the offbeat path to more familiar (hopefully friendlier) words in my vocabulary: acceptance, gratefulness and inner-peace.

yes Virginia, it may sound cheesy, but i'm beginning to feel good about 2009. that's not to say that this is my year...well, yeah! i want it to be my year! hahaha... i feel good about it because i know this would be the perfect time to detox and achieve the three big words mentioned. there's no plan B here! i'm going all zen and i'm not stopping!


these aren't really resolutions, but target goals (which makes the situation friendlier) . i've divided them according to aspect so at least i'll be doing myself a favor and be organized for once. :) see? i am going all zen!!!!


physical
commit to exercise routines
eat healthier so i'm thinking of getting stuff off yahoo food. haha

mental
commit to a more effective study schedule probably an hour of rest after i get home, then study. and on weekends, i have to seriously devote time to study - i haven't done this yet! haha
finish "Love in the time of cholera" by may. hahaha

financial
stick to a weekly budget - 100php a day!!! i'm serious!

emotional.
find more things to be grateful for
find more things to laugh about
calm down and keep the anxiety to a minimum those who really know me knoe what i'm talking about
stop regretting - regrets are mistakes you don't learn from!