Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Remembering myself

Today I asked myself something I never thought of before: How would I like people to remember me? I asked that because in a philosophical sort of way I would like to reflect on myself and how have I changed in the past four years...AND my yearbook pictorial is tomorrow and I've been spending the better part of the night thinking about what to wear for my "other" shots. So yeah, something good comes out of being vain.

I've been tossing around a few personas in my head, to see where I fit:

A nerd who knows stuff but lacks skills in the socialization department
an indie/eccentric photographer who can't wait to show off his photos
a one time editor-in-chief of the school's newsmagazine
a frustrated chef who vents on binge eating
a boy-next-door who is extremely inept when it comes to mixing and matching (and who turns to his friends to ask what looks good on him)
Jason Mraz meets the guy who knocked up Ellen Page in Juno meets John Mayer sans singing abilities (you get what I mean)....or maybe...

just another face in the crowd, sporting trademark apple earphones listening to whatever pretentious song is next on his play list

But after another failed attempt at matching a suit with a v-neck sweater did I realize one thing: I'm graduating and there's no turning back.

I can't undo the image I made myself in my four years in my school. Neither can I build myself up to be somebody I'm not because 1. there's no time left, 2. I think I'm old enough to know that being pretentious won't get me anywhere.

So what "college image" did I create for myself? More importantly, 10 years from now, how would I like to remember myself in college?

I know I wasn't cool, and I didn't hang out with the cool crowd, nor did I drink and smoke my Saturday nights away, nor did I spend it memorizing every textbook I can find.

But that's not really the point. Will a definite image of myself matter 10 even 20 years from now?

I think it's suffice to say that I really can't fit in a definite clique. It's not because I'm a rogue nor am I trying to be pretentiously "indie". Above any clique, I would remember myself like my blog. Actually come to think of it, the reason I named my blog as such was because I realized that expressing myself give me...what's the word? peace? contentment? a smile?

There's something in being "spontaneous, impromptu, deconstructed, and all the things in between" that appeals to me, not because it's like a shiny toy in can see from afar but it's something inside of me that can't be contained and properly defined.

I'm proud of myself that I didn't really try so hard to make people like me. As with the bulk of my early adolescent mistakes, I made that mistake in high school. But at least college gave me an opportunity to make things right.

So when the time comes for me to open my class of 2011 yearbook, 10 - 20 years from now, who will I see on the page that's supposed to bear my name?

I hope to see myself. No immature clique, no pretensions. Just myself...in all my timeless awesomeness.

1 comment:

Dee said...

good luck with your photo. i don't like mine now. haha. but back then i thought i looked great.